Biggest Mistake
by daddysgirl
Summary: Can a mistake Tristan made years ago keep them apart for good? OneShot


A/N: I haven't written a story in what feels like years, and this one I wrote a while ago as well and just remembered that I had written it and am now posting it. I hope you all enjoy it, I miss writing but its been hard to finish anything I've started. Please leave comments they are always appretiated.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, not the lyrics to "Big Machine" by the Goo Goo Dolls, nor the characters from Gilmore Girls.

Biggest Mistake

"I'm in love and you don't care  
Turn your anger into lust  
I'm still here but you don't trust at all  
And I'll be waiting…"

Four years. Four years is an awfully long time to pay for one little mistake. One little mistake that led to one big problem. It wasn't fair! Well, maybe it had been at the time but it no longer was. He had tried to fix it, but she was too stubborn, too set in her ways to let him off the hook. Four years he had begged, pleaded and promised and had received nothing in return. He was young and stupid back then but wouldn't she let him live down his mistake! She wasn't cruel about it. Not in the least. However, she wouldn't or maybe she couldn't trust him anymore. And it broke his heart.

She wanted to forgive him, wanted to let it stay in the past were it belonged. She wanted to be with him just as badly as he wanted to be with her but she couldn't let herself forget the pain and the anguish that she had gone through. The pain she felt that turned into anger that changed her completely. She changed quickly to cover the pain, anger, and disappointment she felt. Disappointment, not in him, but in herself, what had she done that made him act this way. She hated herself for thinking like that, thinking like a dumb love struck teenager with no common sense, but that's what it was. It was love and love made you do crazy, unthinkable, and unimaginable things. Now all she had was memories, those she cherished above all else in the world. She wanted him too. He just couldn't know that, because if he did have that knowledge, she'd be defenseless against him.

"_God damn it Rory!" _

"_Don't God damn me; I didn't do this to us. You did!" _

"_That was such a long time ago, why can't you just move on. Forgive and forget! Why can't you just give me a second chance?" _

"_How many chances do I need to give you Tristan? I've given you countless second chances, and that damn second chance is the reasons were in this situation. If I hadn't given you a second one we never would have dated, and you never would have fucked another girl, and I would never have been hurt!" _

"_Rory, I love you." _

"_NO! You don't love me! If you did you never would have gone and done that. So you know what Tristan, fuck you! Just fuck you." _

He shook his head of the awful memories that plagued him to this day. The number of arguments they had regarding their situation were innumerable, the amount of time he spent trying to win her back was unimaginable, and the hours he spent laying awake at night he'd never get back. He didn't care though, he just wanted one thing, and that was Rory to be his again. He hadn't meant to sleep with her, some girl at some party that he couldn't even remember anymore. It had been a bad night, they had fought and she had stormed out of his house leaving him to find solace in a bottle, or three. Then a girl came along, one who knew he was vulnerable and she made herself available to him. What happened after has gone down in the record books as the dumbest thing he had ever done, and would ever do.

She rubbed her temples trying to clear her head. She just couldn't focus today, all her thoughts kept going back to Tristan. She was mad at him, a kind of mad that just didn't go away. Yet, she needed him, more then she could ever know. She longed to stare deep into his eyes and just be together. Not glare at him, but sit there and memorize every feature as she had done countless times during their relationship. What he did though, was unforgivable, no matter how many years had gone by. She deserved better, and she knew it, but she couldn't help who her heart called out for. She had made mistakes to, but people had forgiven her, she hadn't really harmed anyone. After the break up she hated him more than she ever thought possible, the kind of hate that only comes from a deep love that caused a great heartbreak. She needed him, she needed to be in his arms, to feel his touch, to see the love radiating from his eyes. So she looked for it, she slept with half her class by the end of the school year, making it half of the school by the end of her high school career. It didn't matter, no one person held the love, comfort and warmth that he provided. None of them could meet his standards. She couldn't just give up on her morals they meant something, at least at one point. They had to; they were all she had left.

"_I love you." _

"_I love you, too." She gasped, his strong arms surrounding her._

"_I'm sorry this hurts so much." _

"_Don't be, it's worth it. I'm with you now, completely." She dug her nails into his back pushing him impossibly closer._

"_You don't have to—" he moaned getting cut off by her lips on his. _

"_I want to, just promise you'll never leave me." _

"_I promise. I never could leave you even if I tried." He kissed her neck softly moving up to kiss her tears away. _

He woke up again in a cold sweat, one he'd gotten used to. She haunted him night and day. Memories and dreams of her floated through his mind uncontrollably and all he wanted was to hold her close to him again. To promise her forever and be able to giver her that, without fucking it all up, again. He waited for his heart to slow down and begin beating at a normal pace. "I need you Rory." He mumbled to himself before attempting to get back to sleep.

"I need you..." she sighed to herself as she hugged her teddy bear impossibly closer. He got it for her, ages ago. Before they broke up, before they dated, right before everything went to hell. He got her a teddy bear that Valentines day. What made her want to give him that second chance, it was a build a bear, curly fur and dressed in jeans and polo. It was him in bear form, and if you pressed his paw he talked. Tristan had it recorded of his voice, custom made for this teddy bear. "Rory, will you go out with me?" A single tear escaped her eyelids that she squeezed shut when she accidentally pushed his paw. The nicest thing anyone had done for her was have a bear ask her out. "Yes," she whispered into the night air "yes I will."

A single red rose lay in front of her door as it did every year on this day. Her birthday, their old anniversary, or the day they first met, each meaningful day in the year for him she'd open the door to find a rose waiting for her. She sighed softly bending down to pick it up. She smelled the flower as its fragrance engulfed her. She missed him more than she allowed herself to believe, by the time she reached college she got tired of screwing random guys so she threw herself into her work. Claiming she was too busy to date, had too much going on in her life to spend time trying to find the right guy. Her friends and family believed she was simply too scared to date. The real reason, the one she wouldn't even admit to herself, outside of the comforts of her blankets at 3 in the morning when she couldn't sleep, was that she still loved him. Still needed his presence in her life like she needed air, but her pride stood in her way. Her biggest fear was not being alone; she had done that enough in her life to be used to it. It was that one day she'd open her door in the morning and not see the flower waiting for her. To know that he had moved on, that he was with someone that loved him and would be with him. She knew though, no one would ever love him as much as she did. The feelings she had for him could barley be contained inside herself, she just wanted to let the feelings rush out and find him. She couldn't though, so she took the flower and carefully put it in her vase.

He knew she still loved him, she had to. The feelings they shared weren't the kind that just disappeared after x number of years. They stayed with you, haunting you until you just wanted to scream, or cry, or throw something-- preferably at someone. He had to leave those roses there, because she had to know he still loved her and though about her everyday. They never talked anymore, any time they did it turned out into a screaming match. Who could say the most at the higher volume, which one could go the longest with out crying, or saying I love you. A competition to see who could go the longest with out breaking down in front of the other to let them see the vulnerable hurt side. She knew his vulnerable side, and he'd seen her tears fall to many times before.

_They lay next to each other, his hand slowly playing with her hair twisting the strands around his finger. There was music in the background, and they were just talking about everything and anything. They were both home bodies, something Rory had always known about herself but recently proved to Tristan that staying at home and watching movies could sometimes be a lot more fun then going out and partying. _

_He hadn't expected himself to be ready for this, but it came and he knew that this was the golden opportunity. Something he had to tell her before it became too late to do anything about her. He stopped playing with her hair and moved to slowly cup her face, tracing the pad of his thumb along her cheek. _

"_Rory?" He asked softly, afraid that a higher decibel would ruin what he was trying to prove to her. _

"_Mmm?" was her reply as she pushed softly against his hand, her eyes half closed. _

"_I love you." He waited on baited breath for her response, not quite certain what it was going to be, he prayed she felt the same, all signs pointed to yes but with the Gilmore girls, sometimes you just didn't know what to expect. Her eyes fluttered open, as he watched her process the new information. It couldn't have been that new though, she had to have known, everyone else knew, it was common knowledge that the feelings she evoked in him he'd never experienced. _

"_I…" she started slowly unsure as to how to phrase her next though, it scared her, everything about this situation scared her. It had always been easy in relationships, she had never had full emotional connection that drew her in and kept her there. "I'm scared." She said finally lowering her gaze; she couldn't look him in the eye, not after what she just said. _

"_I understand." He replied as he moved his hand to lift her chin up so she looked at him. _

"_You do?" _

"_More than you know, its a million emotions coursing through your body and you can't even name all of them. All you know is that they're just chilling there and aren't planning on going any where. And all you want is to get a grasp on reality but it seems so distant and so far away. I know you want reassurance Rory, proof that I'll always be there for you, that I will never hurt you, that nothing will ever go wrong. I can't offer you all of that, I can say I'll try and I can say that I'll do anything within in my power, as nothing more than a man, to be with you forever. And while I can't guarantee you any of that the one thing I can promise you, the one thing I can swear on my life is that I will always love you. Nothing in the world will change that fact. I will always love you. You don't have to say it back it won't change anything because I know you care about me. So don't worry about sayi—"_

_She put a finger softly against his lips to stop his rant. Moving her finger out of the way she captured his lips with her own for a split second before pulling away just enough for them not to be touching. "I love you." And before she could say anything else his lips were covering hers again and all coherent though left her mind. _

He had changed, she knew that. She saw it happen with her own two eyes, if she hadn't she wasn't sure that she'd believe it. Before they dated, before they had any involvement at all he was a playboy, someone every girl wanted to be with and many ended up just another notch on the very long belt that defined Tristan DuGrey. She had felt that there relationship was different, he had become different. Maybe not in whole, the core still remained the Tristan she was in love with but the outward charade he presented to society slipped just a little. Emotions, feelings, dreams, trust and love radiated off of his once cool, calm and collected persona. His make out sessions against lockers turned into soft kisses and hand holding, his back seat was used for nothing more than a seat for her books, the way he had sex had changed as well it was no longer a quick fuck and then sneaking out the window, it was slow and sensual and falling asleep with her in his arms.

He hadn't dated in four years. After they broke up they handled it very differently, he beat himself up, realizing how stupid he was, how he'd never get another chance, and he didn't deserve it anyway. She had done the exact opposite, out to hurt him like he hurt her, to take away the loving embraces she had felt, dating so many people she lost track. He knew that there was only one person he ever wanted to be with again, and if he couldn't have her then what was the point in bothering at all. He'd rather be alone with his haunting thoughts then to be with someone who didn't, couldn't, would never measure up to Rory. He didn't know how he could do that to her, he had told himself time and time again that he wouldn't do what his father did. His relationships would not resemble his parents marriage, and there he went and destroyed the only beautiful and worth while thing in his life. He refused to live his parent's life, choosing a life of a bachelor then the life of a liar.

"_Tell me it isn't true." She said sitting on the corner of the bed. _

"_I…" he looked down at his hands, "I wish I could." _

_Her eyes filled with tears that threatened to escape but she kept them at bay, this was not a time for tears. This was a time to settle this, once and for all. She stood up clutching her arms around herself. "How? Why? When? Jesus Tristan!" _

"_The night of the fight, I went to McAndrew's party and I had a little too much to drink—"_

"_Do NOT blame this on alcohol Tristan!" _

"—_and Alisa was there, and I was drunk and one thing lead to another and the last thing I remember was the door closing. I blacked out." _

"_Alcohol can't be an excuse every time! At some point you have to take responsibility for yourself you're no longer a child!" _

"_I never hated myself as much as when I woke up with the worst hang over I have ever had and someone else's taste in my mouth. That morning I knew I could never forgive myself for what I did. It killed me." _

"_You think it killed YOU? You think you were in pain waking up with a hang over. How do you think I felt after waking up and feeling REALLY guilty about our fight and about to call you when I happen to go online and read Alisa's BLOG! Its on the INTERNET Tristan, its all over the web, any person in the world could read how my boyfriend, the LOVE of my life, just went and fucked another girl. That's not even it, wouldn't care about everyone knowing, maybe a little that everyone knew before me. I feel like SUCH an idiot! I loved you, I gave you all of me, I knew I shouldn't have trusted you. I know what you're like, I knew what I got myself into but I believed differently, I lied to myself convincing myself that you'd be different that this time it would be different, that THIS time I could change you. Boy was I wrong." _

"_I…" he started, his voice cracking as he attempted to keep his hands from shaking, stopping himself from shaking her until she understood that whoever that girl was, she didn't mean anything to him. She never could. To keep himself from picking up the closest object and throwing it against the wall, no that could wait until he got home. "I'm sorry." Was all that came out, a weak, defeated sorry that wouldn't mean anything to her right now, but nothing else was left to said. "I love you." Well maybe one more thing. _

"_Just go. Please just leave." He turned around and walked towards her bedroom door. She sat down slumping into her bed. The tears finally won the battle as they fell like rain from her eyes as her body was over taken by sobs. With one last look in her direction Tristan walked out of her room for the last time. _

He picked up his drinking slowly drinking the scotch as it warmed his body on its way down. For the longest time he wouldn't allow himself to buy glassware because of his tendency to throw things. It was a new concept that came out of his anger at himself, and emptiness inside. He couldn't get over this relationship. It wasn't a normal break up where one person stopped being in love. It wasn't even that the other person had fallen in love with someone else. This relationship ended with both of them head over heals for each other. He couldn't get over her. It was starting to get ridiculous that at 21 he was still pinning after his high school love. She was every where; they went to the same school after all. It was inevitable that even on such a large campus he'd see her occasionally, in the dinning hall, or buying some coffee. All he wanted was to put his arms around her waist and hold her close, to kiss the top of her head while she slept, to be near her without the break out of World War III.

A lot had changed for both of them, their break up had changed them both drastically. They built walls, high ones that didn't come down for anyone anymore. All they wanted was to drop them, to be with each other, to hold on and never let go. It was hard they weren't the carefree teenagers they once were. More had happened to them then just their break up, but it was the center point for a lot of their life altering decisions. It was in the cards for them to be together. If it took major changes for them to realize it then so be it.

Dry sobs shook his body as he stood alone in the cold winter air. Everyone had left already but he couldn't move, his feet grew roots, he couldn't move even if he wanted to. That's when he saw her, a lone figure that didn't seem to fit into her surroundings as she approached him slowly, cautiously, like one would an animal they weren't sure of; afraid that it would attack even when it looked so vulnerable. She walked over to him and stood next to him for a little while not saying anything but staring with him, in the same spot. Then slowly, very cautiously she turned to face him, waiting for him to acknowledge her presence. Finally he looked down at her, he noticed that her mascara was running as black streaks left their paths on her face, she was pale and looked like she hadn't eaten in days. She wore black slacks and a black sweater, her black pea coat was wrapped around her as she tried to fend off the cold. Her hair was obviously thrown up in a hurry, but with all that she was still the most beautiful girl … no women... he had ever seen. She met his stare, noticing that his shoulders had broadened out and his hair was just as messy as ever, but the twinkle in his eye was gone, and the smirk long forgotten. He was dressed properly for the occasion black tie, white shirt, black suit, it didn't fit his persona though and she could tell he felt uncomfortable. Before she knew what she was doing she wrapped her arms around his waist burying her head in his chest.

He was taken back by her display; he'd never in a million years believed that she'd willingly hug him again. He shook himself out his thought and wrapped his arms around her figure pulling her closer to him finally letting the tears fall as he leaned against her for comfort that no one else could provide for him. She held him until he was ready to let go, she knew how alone he must have felt, how scared, all he needed was a shoulder to cry on and she could do that if nothing else.

They walked towards their cars in silence; they hadn't said a word since she showed up. Staying in this calm bubble they had created for the situation they were in. They needed each other, words weren't necessary. "Can we…" his voice broke before he could get further. She stopped and looked at him, hearing the pain in his words stabbed at her in a way she had only experienced once, but this time it wasn't his fault in the least. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Can we start over?" He asked, his eyes pleading with hers to say yes, he needed her now more than ever didn't she know that?

"I… I don't know, there's so much history there. How do we just forget it?"

"It's simple. Hi, I'm Tristan DuGray." He said extending his hand to her.

"I don't know there's so much I just don't want to part with! To much I can't let go of." She took a moment processing everything he was asking from her, everything he wanted and needed her to do. She shook her head softly. She extended her hand to him. "Hi, I'm Rory Gilmore and…" he waited on baited breath as he saw the next words forming and praying to God that this wasn't a cruel joke. "I love you."

He took her hand and pulled her flush against him. "I love you too." He whispered before kissing her softly and pulling away to look in her eyes. After searching them and seeing not a hint of hesitation he backed her slowly up against his car before claiming her mouth as his again. The taste he had been longing for, for the past four years of his life. A taste that was purely Rory one he could never describe but new instantly as hers. After four years of not feeling her body against his he knew that this was what heaven had to be like.


End file.
